


Have you heard the news that you're dead?

by anna_chronistic



Category: Les Misérables (2012), Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: 27 club, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, BAMF Azelma, BAMF Cosette, Comedy, Cosette is a lucky bastard, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Gen, Jehan's ugly outfits, Meta, This Is STUPID, actual disaster Marius Pontmercy, and Azelma, because reasons, bhad bhabie, brief fourth wall breaks, cash me outside how bout dat, comparing people's looks to celebrities because I'm trash, even Marius and Cosette, everyone dies, if you get the references you're awesome, kind of, kind of like Movie 43, les amis forget their first names, lots of mentions of death, mentions of the musical, or is she?, overuse of slang, pop culture references, salty ass Éponine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-15 20:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13039053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anna_chronistic/pseuds/anna_chronistic
Summary: The cast of Les Misérables has a 185 year reunion in which a 52-year-old Marius kisses Fantine, Gavroche talks in incomprehensible slang, and Éponine is jealous of literally everyone.Or, the reincarnation AU that no onebut measked for.





	Have you heard the news that you're dead?

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the song [_Dead_ by My Chemical Romance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H48kOqqaWv0).

**Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 2017. The Les Mis reunion party at Azelma Thénardier's house**

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

~~

**Éponine's before and after**

For the first time in centuries, Éponine was finally happy. After being reincarnated in the year 2017, she and her brother got adopted into a loving family and were no longer in poverty. She also got her teeth fixed at the dentist and was so happy to finally be pretty like the women she envied back in the 19th century.

"Oh hey, Éponine. Long time, no see. I barely recognized you," said Feuilly.

"Yeah, back in '32, I looked like someone who did umm..." Éponine was trying to think of a word. "Methuselah. Or is is methadone? Metheny? Mathematics? Damn, what's the name of that?"

"Methamphetamine," said Combeferre.

"Yeah, that's it. I looked like a meth head," Éponine joked. "Like an extra from _Breaking Bad_."

~~

**27 club: Les Mis edition**

"You know what I don't get about the 21st century?" Joly said. "Vendors asking you to verify your age to buy something or watch a movie!"

The struggle was real for Joly, who sort of looked like a young Kenny Wayne Shepherd. He looked too young to buy alcohol, but not young enough to get discounts for movie theater tickets.

"That's bullshit," Bossuet agreed.

"Getting carded is so annoying, especially since I already joined the 27 club 185 years ago," said Joly.

"What's the 27 club?" asked Bossuet.

"It's a group of people who died at 27. A lot of musicians are in that group nowadays," Joly explained.

"Clearly you're no musician," Bossuet laughed.

" _Au contraire_ , Bossuet," Joly said. "Remember when I asked Marius if he'd seen a ghost? And I'm pretty sure all of us did a good rendition of _Do You Hear The People Sing_."

"Damn, Joly. Can you be any less subtle with breaking the fourth wall?" Bossuet teased.

"Honestly I'm totally fine with breaking the fourth wall to prove that I can sing," Joly said.

"Fair enough," said Bossuet. "So there's a club for people who died at a random and arbitrary age?"

"Yeah. Apparently that's a thing now. So I'm officially a member of the 27 club," said Joly.

"Sweet, I'm also in the 27 club!" Fantine said. "1796-1823, baby. High-five!" Fantine raised her hand to high-five Joly. Joly raised his hand as well, but stopped at the last second.

"Wait, didn't you die of tuberculosis?" Joly asked, hesitant to touch Fantine.

"Yes, and didn't you die of multiple gunshots?" Fantine retorted.

"Ohhh, Joly just got roasted. Fantine be slayin' mofos," said Gavroche.

"Looks like you've picked up modern slang rather quickly," Bossuet said to Gavroche.

"Look, you don't have any bullet wounds, and I'm not showing any signs of tuberculosis, so I'm pretty sure we're all fine," Fantine said to Joly.

"Fair enough," Joly said. And he high-fived Fantine.

~~

**Marius, you're late**

Marius arrives to the party, late as usual. He was reincarnated as a middle-aged man, because he lived to be 52 in 19th century France. After hearing that he wasn't the only one who was reincarnated, he had been searching for people from his past life for a while. As he walks past the foyer, he spots a pretty blonde woman by the staircase. Marius was confident that he finally found Cosette.

"Oh, Cosette. I'm so happy to finally see you!" he says. He rushes over to the woman and kisses her square on the mouth.

"Wow, Cosette. I like your haircut," Marius says, noticing her short hair.

"Umm...this isn't Cosette. This is Fantine," the woman says.

"Ohhh booyy, this is awkward," Courfeyrac said through his teeth.

"My bad, Fantine. I must have mistaken you for your daughter," Marius said, his eyes downcast in shame.

"And just as a heads up, Enjolras isn't Cosette either," Courfeyrac pointed out.

"Wait, then which one of you is Cosette?" Marius asks.

Fantine gestures to a skinny old woman with white hair and glasses.

"Oh hi," Marius said with noticeably less enthusiasm.

"I'm so glad you found us. This is so much better than 1899," said Cosette, hugging Marius. Marius barely hugged her back, afraid that he'd accidentally break her in half. He was thoroughly confused.

"Alright nice prank, Ferre. It's obvious that you got this old woman to pretend she's Cosette," he said to Combeferre as Cosette was hugging him.

"This isn't a prank. Look at yourself, Marius. You look far older than you did in 1832, so I assume you didn't die in 1832," Combeferre said.

"Yes, that's true. I died at age 52 in 1862, before Cosette."

Marius most certainly looked 52. Over the years, he'd gone from handsome to mediocre-looking. He kind of looked like Mark Ruffalo, but with a mustache.

"Right. So if you got older and Cosette died _after_ you, then you should expect Cosette to be older as well."

"Wait, hold up. So everyone is the same age that they were when they died?" Marius asked.

"Yes, Marius," Combeferre said. He could not believe that it took him that long to figure out. "Cosette is 84."

"Ohhh booyy," Marius said under his breath.

~~

**That's not my name**

"I know we had first names in the 19th century, but no one can remember anyone's first name except Jehan's," said Enjolras.

"You guys could check your graves," Marius suggested.

"None of us have graves," said Combeferre. "We all died in a shootout with dozens of other casualties, so we were probably burned or something."

"I guess we'll never know then," said Bossuet.

"What are y'all up to?" Feuilly showed up and asked.

"They're trying to find out their first names," said Marius.

"Oh that's easy, I remember eveyone's names," said Feuilly. "Our names are Étienne Combeferre, Clement d'Courfeyrac, Maurice Enjolras, Eugéne Feuilly, Perryn Grantaire, Matthieu Joly, and André Lesgles."

"Perryn, really?" Grantaire said, appalled by his first name. "I'm gonna have to pull a Jean Valjean and change my name."

~~

**Éponine gets envious**

The last thing Éponine wanted to do at the reunion party was to listen to people's stories from the 1800s, a time in her life where she felt that she was an enormous failure. Although Éponine was generally content with her life in the 21st century, that still didn't stop her from being jealous of people, especially Cosette. But there she was, listening to Cosette's story of 1832 onwards as her past stared her in the face.

"Our wedding was splendid, and so was our honeymoon phase," said Cosette.

"Good for you. I'd love to listen to stories of you making love 20 years before the invention of toilet paper," Éponine said sarcastically. Only Courfeyrac and Gavroche found that joke funny.

"Well, we didn't have any biological children, but I was inspired by my papa to adopt children who needed homes. So we adopted two homeless boys," Cosette said. She showed them a locket with pictures of the two boys. They looked awfully familiar, and Gavroche seemed to notice that the most.

"I know these people! We were roomies chillin' in that elephant statue back in '32. Squad goals!" he said.

"Wow, they look just like him," Éponine said.

"Hashtag twinsies," said Gavroche.

"Do you think they could be related?" Courfeyrac asked.

"Possibly, but I guess we'll never find out," said Marius.

"There's a way to find out for sure: DNA testing," Combeferre explained. "Have you ever seen the Maury Povich show? They do laboratory testing to determine biological relation with remarkable accuracy."

"I guess we'll have to try and get on the Maury show," said Cosette. "But the boys lived a long time, so they might look different today."

"I wish I could have seen them grow up, but unfortunately I died in 1862," said Marius. He showed them a picture of a grave stone on his phone. It said:

Marius S. Pontmercy, esquire  
17 January, 1810 - April 1862

"Oh 1862?" said Combeferre. "I heard that there was a famous book that debuted that year. I'm not really sure which one, though."

Éponine was waiting for the part of the story where Cosette's life would go on a downward spiral. She anticipated that it would, as being a widow sucked back in those days.

"Yeah unfortunately I was widowed at an early age and started having financial trouble. I wanted to start a business, but apparently being a baroness wasn't enough for women in the 19th century. So I used an old trick that I learned from papa. I changed my name and disguised myself as a man. Under the alias Jermaine Savart, I successfully started a fashion business."

Éponine decided that Cosette might be the luckiest motherfucker ever. She was tired of hearing how successful Cosette was, even after Marius was out of the picture.

"Look at you, all cool and such. I bet you got to see the year 1900," Éponine said bluntly.

"Actually I died on December 31, 1899."

That caught Éponine off guard, as she realized that was probably one of the worst dates to die. Maybe Cosette might not be that lucky after all.

"Did you die at 11:59 pm?" Éponine asked, hoping for Cosette to say yes.

"No, I died in the morning," she said. She showed Marius and Éponine a picture of her grave.

Cosette Valjean-Pontmercy-Thoreau  
21 August, 1815 - 31 December, 1899

Marius saw this and thought that something was off. "What's up with that?" he asked about the name on the grave.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my grave stone doesn't say 'Fauchelevant'. I used my father's actual last name instead of the one he used to stay incognito."

"No, not that."

"Ohh. I found out from papa, who found out from my mother, that I was born in August. So I don't have to put 'circa' in my birth date."

"Not that either. Who is Thoreau?" he inquired.

"My second husband," she said.

"When did you get married?"

"1877. He was younger than me, but I outlived him as well and didn't remarry afterward."

"That's fair,"said Marius.

~~

**And the Darwin award goes to...**

"So Mr. sole survivor, how did you die?" asked Courfeyrac.

"I shot myself," Marius said.

"I'm so sorry that happened," Combeferre sympathized. "Suicidal thoughts can be a very difficult thing to deal with."

"Whoa there, I didn't _actually_ commit suicide, but I did shoot myself." There was a short pause. "Crap, that sounds bad out of context," Marius realized. "Let me give you the whole story. After I finished law school, I became a defense attorney. One of my clients was charged with murder in the shooting death of a man some months ago. But it turns out that the man actually committed suicide. My job was to prove that it was a suicide and not a murder. So I took it upon myself to reenact the scene by holding the gun to my left temple. The trouble is that I didn't know that the gun was loaded, so I accidentally shot myself."

One might think that Courfeyrac would consider the untimely death of his friend an unfortunate incident, but instead Courfeyrac is laughing at him.

"That's worse than falling of a bridge like Javert. You and Javert both died at 52 doing dumb shit. You two have got to be the dumbest hoes in this entire reunion," Courfeyrac laughed.

"Do you think he knows what hoes are?" Combeferre asked Marius.

"Probably not," said Marius.

Cosette on the other hand was both shocked and relieved simultaneously.

"Wow, this is certainly big news to me; I don't even know what to say. We were separated for 3 days, and when I got home I found him dead with a self-inflicted gunshot. I just assumed it was a suicide. All these years I thought it was because of PTSD, or that it was somehow my fault. I'm glad to finally know the truth," she said holding back tears. And for the first time since the 19th century, Éponine felt sorry for Cosette instead of jealous.

~~

**Times have changed**

"Do any of you ever feel old living in this time period?" Feuilly asked his friends.

"Heck yeah," said Grantaire. "I was born in 1803, so I'm as old as the fucking state of Louisiana!"

"It's crazy. Nowadays, everyone's tall and fat. And fans are suspended from fucking ceilings. And they even have these things called thermostats that make fans obsolete," said Feuilly.

"Tell me about it," said Grantaire. "Now that cameras are ubiquitous, artists make zero money because painting is obsolete now. The only job I could find as an artist is a job as an animator for the show _Family Guy_."

"Oh, I know that show. You kind of look like Peter Griffin," said Courfeyrac.

"Yeah I know that I put on weight since arriving in the 21st century," said Grantaire.

"Have you called Jenny yet?" Courfeyrac teased.

"Joke's on you. As Feuilly pointed out, I fit in very well with 21st century Americans if I must say so myself. Plus, you can fix being fat, but you can't fix being ugly," said Grantaire.

"Actually you can now," said Combeferre. "There's this thing called plastic surgery that rich people get to make themselves look better."

"On the bright side, 2017 is a lot more sanitary," said Joly. "But then again, we have to deal with things like ebola and AIDS."

"I must say, medical technology has improved drastically," Combeferre agreed.

"I can't believe we used to cut our wrists and use opium of all things to treat diseases. We might as well have been injecting black tar heroin!" Joly shrieked.

"I've been here for 6 months, and it's still tough keeping up with 2017 fashion," said Jehan.

"You're damn right, Jehan. What are thoooosseee?" Gavroche exclaimed, pointing at Jehan's hiking boots.

Prouvaire was also wearing a red Hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, plus some black basketball shorts. His hair was braided in 2 pigtails like Pippi Longstocking. Jehan basically looked like Willie Nelson and Janis Joplin had a kid.

"Why are your fingernails black? Do you have gangrene my dude?" asked Joly.

"No, this is just fingernail paint," said Jehan.

"Just like Bhad Bhabie, aka Danielle Bregoli," Courfeyrac said.

"Bhad Bhabie is my favorite rapper. I actually met her in real life," said Joly. "Cash me outside, how 'bout dat?"

~~

**The end of cat and mouse**

"Valjean, at last, we see each other plain," said Javert.

"Yeah, and in a different century too," said Valjean.

"So how's it been going? You look different," said Javert.

"You do, too. You look like the drummer from every metal band ever," Valjean teased Javert. But he did have a point. Even in 2017, Javert looked like he could be in a rock band with his long hair and dark clothes.

"And you look like Colonel Sanders if he was in a biker gang," Javert said.

"Wow, I really do," Valjean said. "Wait, I actually think I saw you at the mall the other day."

"Yeah, I'm a security guard at the mall now. I guess it's a nice downgrade for an old fucker like me," Javert joked.

"You think you're old?" Valjean asked.

"Hell yeah. When I got my drivers license, I initially put 1780 as the year of birth, but no one believed me. So I had to lie and say that I was born in 1965," said Javert.

"Oh, Javert. Always so brutally honest."

~~

**Death in the 21st century**

"All of us were reincarnated in the year 2017, but what if we died again in this century?" Joly asked with his morbid curiosity.

"People can donate their organs after they die," said Combeferre. "Hearts, lungs and kidneys of dead people can be transferred to an entirely different person and work just fine."

"I don't think I'm healthy enough to donate my organs," said Joly. "I'm thinking of donating my body to science where it can be used as a crash test dummy. I'm still terrified of cars."

"If I die in this century, I want to get Tibetan Sky burial," said Jehan.

"What is Tibetan sky burial?" Combeferre asked Jehan.

"They break your bones, slice you with a knife, and put you on top of a cliff where you can get eaten by vultures."

"That sounds terrible," said Joly.

"Yes, but I'll be dead, so that wouldn't matter," said Jehan. "I think it's sort kind of a cool way of returning back to nature."

~~

**Photograph**

"I'm telling y'all, these 3 people should take a picture together," Musichetta said about Éponine, Marius, and Cosette.

"Yeah. Me, Joly, and Musichetta already took a picture. And so did Valjean, Javert, and Fantine," said Bossuet.

"And plus, everyone except Marius knows that Éponine likes Marius," Grantaire pointed out

"And don't forget about Grantaire's crush on Enjolras," Feuilly said. "Everyone under the sun knows about that;"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Grantaire said, blushing.

"You guys should pose and do a triple kiss like Joly, Bossuet, and Musichetta," Courfeyrac teased.

Éponine's, Cosette's, and Marius' situation became complicated because they were all different ages. Their picture would surely be the most awkward: a 17-year-old girl, a homely middle-aged man, and an 84-year-old woman in momma jeans and clunky tennis shoes that looks like she works at See's Candy. Once they thought about their ages, things got even more awkward.

"That would make me a gerontophile," said Éponine.

"That would make me a pedophile," said Cosette.

"That would make me a gerontophile _and_ a pedophile!" said Marius.

For the first time, Éponine wasn't attracted to Marius, and Marius wasn't attracted to Cosette.

"It looks like hell has frozen over," said Grantaire.

Feuilly ended up taking their picture, but the 3 people in it just stood side by side.

\--

Next, the entire group took a large group photo.

"This picture is on fleek," said Gavroche. "Except Enjolras, Feuilly, and Javert have a really bad case of resting bitch face."

"Is it contagious?" asked Joly.

"No way, Jose. I'm pretty sure you're immune to it, Jolllly," Gavroche said, pointing out Joly's smiling face in the picture. "Speaking of which, why do you have a bicycle chain on your teeth?"

"Those are braces," Joly said.

~~

**Éponine finally loses it**

"So you're the only one of us who lived to see the 20th century?" Fantine asked Azelma. "I must say that's pretty cool."

"Yeah, I lived to be 87 and saw the year 1903. However, the new century wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Nothing really changed at all from 1899 to 1900," said Azelma. "But there was an era of history before 1900 that I was a part of. Once I moved to America, I knew I had to get away from my father as soon as possible. He was a conniving man who owned slaves. I was against that, so I became an abolitionist and fought in the Civil War on the Union's side."

"Wow, that's awesome!" said Enjolras. "I admire your determination to fight for what you believe is right. The American Civil War definitely brought about more change than the June rebellion, that's for sure."

Éponine envied her sister for that. At least Azelma had something that she believed in. Éponine didn't give a damn about anything political; she only went to the barricades so that she could die. Even though she took a bullet for Marius, she technically wasn't trying to save him. She wanted him to die, but didn't want to watch him die. She realized how much of a failure she was compared to everyone else and began to cry.

"What's gotten into you, Éponine?" Azelma asked.

"Shut up! I've heard enough of this crap!" Éponine cried.

~~

**The biggest loser**

"I'm such a fucking loser," said Éponine. "Cosette went from negative to positive like Biggie Smalls. Azelma went from positive to negative to positive. I just went from positive to negative, the ultimate downhill spiral."

"Do not compare yourself to others. If you do so, you are insulting yourself," Jehan said to Éponine.

"You know that quote's from Hitler, right?" Enjolras asked Jehan.

"Who's Hitler?"

"Ugh, never mind."

"I wanted everything I never had, like the love that comes with life. I wore envy and I hated it, and then I died," Éponine continued. "I never _wanted_ to grow up poor and be in a gang and get in fights with my parents. I'm pretty sure _no one_ wants that at all. It was basically something that life had forced me to do in order to survive. If I could flip a magic switch and make it go away, I would. Unlike Montparnasse, I had aspirations in life. I really did. I wanted to get an education and have a family of my own. But being a realist, I knew that it was never going to happen. If only I had been pretty and rich, my life would have been so much easier."

"Come on, Éponine," said Gavroche. "This party is supposed to be lit. Stop being salty and throwing shade at everyone. Hashtag yolo. Well, not really in this case."

"I didn't understand half of what he's saying, but I think what your brother means is that you should move on with this new life and not be so stuck in the past," said Combeferre.

"And being pretty and rich doesn't automatically solve everything," Cosette added. "Just look at Marie Antoinette or Anne Boleyn."

"Or Kim Kardashian," Courfeyrac suggested.

"And besides, I don't think you're the biggest loser here," Marius said. Marius stood up.

"I'm unstable, insecure, and creepy as shit. Plus, I'm also a shitty lawyer and a big time freeloader" said Marius.

Valjean stood up. "I'm a liar and a kleptomaniac, and I have an identity crisis like every 2 months!" said Valjean.

Javert stood up. "I'm a stubborn, condescending bastard who killed myself because Valjean wouldn't kill me!" said Javert.

"I bullied Cosette when she was a child so that I would fit in!" said Azelma.

"I led my friends to their deaths in an uprising that was inevitably bound to fail!" said Enjolras.

"I don't give a fuck about politics. I only came to Les Amis' meetings because I was lonely!" said Grantaire.

"I faked illnesses to get out of meetings!" said Joly

"I still paint fans for a living. That's like the lamest fucking job ever!" said Feuilly.

"I corrected the fucking dictionary. That's so pretentious and boring!" said Combefere.

"I started balding at age 21!" said Bossuet.

"My favorite rapper is Chanel West Coast!" said Jehan.

"My cockney accent is totally fake!" said Gavroche.

"I'm dead like 1.25 seconds into the musical," said Fantine.

"I have the least amount of personality of all the characters, even though I'm one of the main characters in the musical!" said Cosette.

"I'm not even important enough to be in the musical!" Bahorel popped out of nowhere and said.

"I'm only mentioned in the book once!" said Musichetta.

"I may or may not be a pyromaniac!" said Courfeyrac.

Once everyone had their turn explaining why they sucked, the room broke out in a round of applause. Éponine felt much better.

~~

**These hoes**

The 185 year reunion returned to being lit soon after. And in true Louisiana tradition, they ended the party by doing the Cupid Shuffle dance. The group picture that was taken came out good, and Courfeyrac posted the picture on instagram with the caption "Look at these heaux".

**Author's Note:**

> \- [Marius' death is based on the death of Clement Valladingham.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clement_Vallandigham#Death)
> 
> \- [Tibetan sky burial is actually a thing.](https://www.ranker.com/list/sky-burial-facts/jeffrichard)
> 
> \- I had to do a lot of searching on urbandictionary.com to come up with Gavroche's lines, lol.
> 
> \- By now, you've probably noticed that Marius and Éponine are my least favorite characters, lol.


End file.
